Someone Made A Jake Layman Rap Song, And It’s Awful

Mar 13, 2014; Greensboro, NC, USA; Maryland Terrapins guard/forward Jake Layman (10) reacts after the game. The Seminoles defeated the Terrapins 67-65 in the second round of the ACC college basketball tournament at Greensboro Coliseum. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

In searching for some game tape of Jake Layman, I managed to stumble upon something miraculous: a Jake Layman rap video.

Layman is a lot of things (great three-point shooter, leader, hair model), but the one thing you’d least likely expect him to be is the subject of a low-budget rap song. Guys from Wrentham, Massachusetts are more likely to be associated with their local yachting club given that it’s one of the 30 richest counties in the United States. But why fault Jake for having adoring fans?

That doesn’t mean we can’t delve into the lyrical complexity of this rap video:

(WARNING: EXPLICIT AND EXPLICITLY BAD LYRICS)

If you managed to get past the first couple of seconds (which requires a certain amount of intestinal fortitude as is), you get some of these gems:

“Slay-min, Layman, rippin’ girls up like Filet Mig-non till the break of dawn.”

“Layman’s taking this game by storm; got that killer instinct like Children of the Corn…”

“This just in: this is the latest. Headlines ’round the world saying Layman is the greatest.”

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I seriously can’t even finish the song myself. Sorry for putting you guys through that. It’s the offseason, whatever. At least it wasn’t Layman himself doing the rapping.