This article is in response to a hate piece about Maryland on OffTackleEmpire.com, which can be found here. This is all in good fun, mind you, but here’s my attempt to defend Maryland.
First off, I love it when Big Ten members start giving Maryland people crap about, well, anything, because of how pathetic some of their respective states tend to be. They say something like “The only reason we need you guys is for the TV money you’ll bring in!” and act as if it’s an even remotely logical argument as to why we don’t belong in the Big Ten, so they can already hate us as a result.
In fact, they’re right in some cases. The Big Ten, and their respective states, literally can’t grow on their own; deposed idiot of Ohio State Gordon Gee said as much himself before he went on a Christmas table, senile grandpa tirade on how the Catholics were screwing the money up (and not his absurdly high salary for manning a top 50 school or his expansive bowtie collection). You know what a 1% growth rate in your footprint means? Your TV and expansion area is going to max out ricky freaking ticky. So when your network heads hit that negotiation table in 2016 with your non-expandable market and demand $2 billion plus, the big wigs would crap you out as if you were a digestive cleanse of the corn husks you guys pride yourselves on. Although I’m sure everyone is jumping at the bit to hit up that booming Iowa market, where people need sour mash just to get up every morning.
So what does Jim Delany do? He goes and gets the fourth-largest TV market (like any smart person would), to stave off the looming SEC network. Maryland’s the prostitute who sold themselves for money? Then what the hell did you guys just do? Your commissioner just handed traditionalists an econo-sized vat of Astro Glide and told them to bend over and accept change. Again. Because you guys need to make more money. I mean how stupid are you guys to think that this expansion doesn’t make you, at the very least, complicit whores? You’re the sleazy, fat businessman doing a midnight prowl through Backpages to find a nice escort for his soiree next week. You might be rich, but you still probably have herpes.
The funniest part about the Big Ten is how blissfully unaware they are that everyone outside of the Big Ten hates them. Seriously, no one likes you guys. When’s the last time anyone I know said, “Man I can’t wait to take my paid vacation and go to Ohio!” Answer: it’s never happened. You think Maryland fans are looking forward to taking a trip to Nebraska next year? Or Ohio so I can go see a Wright Brother’s exhibit? Or Iowa so I can see whatever the hell it is that Iowa brings to the table? No one is, not even our school, and it’s why you subsidized our travel budget as a condition of us coming (yet again you classy traditional schools throw money at a hooker, and now probably have the Clap as a result).
You want to know why Ohio State loves their football so much? Because every other sport sucks there, and there’s nothing else to do. The Cleveland Browns created a generation of alcoholics, and is the festering wound of the NFL. LeBron James jumped dodge the second he got the chance because the best NBA star he could convince to come to Cleveland was Larry Hughes (a Wizards defector). The Indians suck, the Blue Jackets traded Rick Nash and still haven’t done anything, and Drew Carey is a douche bag. By the way, we hate you for making the Drew Carey Show. This is the image we get when we think of Ohio:
Our state and the surrounding area, on the other hand, has the perennially good Baltimore Ravens. We have Washington D.C. with its countless museums full of historical significance (and, you know, the White House), we have the Inner Harbor, we have the Orioles (who have sucked and still have more history than the Indians), we have the Redskins (again, more championships than you can dream of, and RGIII), we have the Naval Academy in an absolutely gorgeous city, we have casinos, we have the ocean. In other words, we have much better things to do with our time than obsess over a team that sucks. And Maryland has sucked in recent years, we admit.
Undeniably so, we’ve been bad. For the last five years, the Terps haven’t done anything on the hardwood, and we haven’t done anything on the gridiron. That hurts us, because we know college sports is important and we want to be good. A bad athletic director and an economic recession can hurt a state school. But you act as if the Big Ten is that much better than the competition we’ve been facing in the freaking ACC, when it’s not. You have four schools that are really good at football in Ohio State, Michigan (recently), Penn State, and Nebraska, and the rest consists of leftover chum, as evidenced by your putrid bowl record. Not to mention that you guys are bereft of much NFL talent, unlike the ACC in last year’s draft and numerous others before that. The rest is just as much a crapshoot as the ACC.
Right, hang your hat on the big four schools (two of which couldn’t play in bowls last year) who have one BCS championship collectively since it’s inception, and haven’t appeared in one since 2007. That’s about the time the voters told Jim Tressel he wasn’t invited anymore because his teams kept getting their stuff pushed in prison-style by the SEC. Your lone championship in 2003 during that run by Ohio State came controversially (though I agree with the call) against a Big East school. In basketball? Same story. The ACC has done much of the same, so just stop with the big boy talk.
Stop, also, with the whole “we don’t have a rivalry” talk, too. We don’t have a true rival and we don’t mind not having one. We like hating everyone just the same; it gives us flexibility in our ability to hate without bias. Obviously, beating Duke means a lot to us (and everyone in the nation know it’s a rivalry BUT Duke), and we show general disdain for anything from Virginia or West Virginia. But we also take pride in leaving a steamy log on anyone’s porch. So when Ohio State fans fill our paltry stadium, we’re going to look forward to the day when we upset you and your asshole fanbase has to get back into your mobile home and look forward to nothing back at home. Then we’ll get hyped about it for a couple days and move on to more important things, like our government/military contracting jobs that affect your national security, or having our alumni build Google or Under Armor. Not that Kroger and Walmart (your two biggest employers) aren’t important; just, you know, look big picture guys.
Even if we don’t have a rival, and the ACC says they don’t want us, we don’t care. We’ll look forward to playing all these new teams, underdog mentality in tow. So when we upset one of your hodunk schools, we can relish in the fact that all you guys have done since we arrived is serve us up a bowl of F.U. It doesn’t matter, because Maryland fans know we’re going to get better. We have a rich tradition in athletic success, and it’s why we leave the ACC, which disrespected us outright all the time, with the second-most overall championships (in some sports you may not care about, but we do) in their conference, second only to UNC. The ACC has no idea what they’re losing, and apparently nor do you guys understand what you’re gaining. But when you start losing a bunch in basketball, in soccer, in lacrosse (which your commish is pumped to add), in field hockey, in swimming, and in track and field, you’ll realize that Maryland has arrived in your conference.
Let’s just look at what you’re getting with Maryland, and why we scoff when you guys think we’re not a great addition. Here’s a list of schools with the most total NCAA championships. Pegged on that list among a few Big Ten powerhouses? Maryland. So screw you guys, in that regard. We’ve always been good at a lot of sports, and the Big Ten trying to convince us that we’re worthless won’t work. The numbers don’t lie. For sure, we’re looking forward to the money you’ll be giving us in the millions just so we can be members and balance our budget, but watch out for what that Maryland will become. We’re in a talent-rich area that is constantly being poached by other schools (except now it’s being kept in-house), we’ve got some major recruits starting the Stay Home Movement here, and we’re on the come-up. So while you guys may hate us for the new few years, we’re going to get respect from you, whether you like it or not. And in turn? We’ll respect you too, but we’re still going to hate you. Because we’re Maryland.
Fear the Turtle.